Believe Everything You Read! Part I
Today is April Fool's Day - April Fools! Well, every day is to me. I woke up this morning and decided to skip work to celebrate. When I staggered-ed-ed-ed out blinded by the great death ray to hoist up the junk mail, I realized I could read other people's minds. What a pain in the ass. My first encounter was my nextdoor neighbor, whom I have never met or liked, because he washes his bicycle too much and too gently. He was outside doing just that, slowly stroking the handle bars, "thinking": "I wonder if anyone actually believes this bogus sign on my door that says 'Beware you're being videoed'?" I never did. Not even enough to make obscene gestures to the alleged camera.

Well, now that I know for sure he's a liar too, I plan to break in and rip off his whole collection of VHS Julia Child reruns, which he assumes are coveted by all the local hoodlums. Just as he was backing away to admire his "work", and thinking about Julia singing "Frere Jacque" to him in his bathtub, naked under a wine spattered apron, he was hit by a wheelchair. A half-mind like me can only accomodate one extra-cerebreal thought at a time, so I couldn't tune in to the patient's brainwave simultaneously (always wondered how that would work for me, say, in a crowd. Now I know). My neighbor decided it was the patient's fault, "Slow ass cripple! Should be more careful!", and went on with his labor of love, gleefully filled with superiority, and disdain for the rest of lesser mortals. Given the clearly disappointing nature of this so-called Free Gift, I'm going back to bed to return it to Mr. Sandman's Customer Service Desk, and hope to wake up with a different super-ability. This one sucks.

Well, here's to my first post. They're only going to get more pathological, I hope.
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